Mehring Monday: My Baseball Valentines

I wanted to move the column over to the blog today because of all the pictures that are needed for this post.

The reason for all of these pictures is because I wanted to ~~ripoff~~, I mean homage, Chris Sims and his deconstruction of Superhero Valentines.

I know what you’re thinking. Baseball and Valentines Day do not mix, except that spring training and the holiday are usually within a few days of each other.

But, you would be wrong.

Take this example of lineup construction:

You want in the starting lineup? Let me check your OPS against left-handed starters.

On second viewing, the bench is not in a dugout. It’s just a bench in a park and the baseball player is on his way to a game. The girl obviously knows when the player would be walking by on the way to the baseball game. This makes her a stalker. And whats the deal with the dress shoes/uniform combo, young man. Rating: A sacrifice bunt.

I am torn on the following card. It tries to hard to with the first baseball phrase, but the second phrase is perfect. The line score tries way too hard to be adorable, but the little dog with the bat…were I human and capable of the reaction, I would go “Awwwwwww!” for the next three days. My GOD! It’s a left-handed catcher!

What is more horrifying, the use of the phrase “‘Mit’ out on you”or the eyes of the children in the first two cards?

“‘Mit’ Out on you”? Ugh. Left-handed catcher for Hoyt Wilhelm?? What?? Little dog with a bat! Awwwwwwwwwwww! Rating: A ringing double to the gap in right-center.

Get ready for the use of the word ‘Hit’ in a baseball valentine. It won’t be the last time.

You’re a hit.

Everyone knows you do not make a hit. Only the official scorer can make a hit. Rating: Infield single.

And now an example of how NOT to catch.

Put on a facemask!

You better make a wonderful catch, young man. The first foul tip that misses your glove is going to concuss you, knock out a few teeth, and – if you are lucky – put another big red spot on your left cheek instead of doubling the size of the one on your right cheek. Rating: Single to left.

This one is a mixture of three things that define me: Offense, Defense, and Desperation

Is her Ultimate Zone Rating good enough to get to the ball?

She’s a little close. If he tees off on that ball, we have something for “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. Rating: Double that is just fair inside the right field line.

This next one swings for the fences.

It is high! It is far! It issssss GONE!

I apologize for combining John Sterling and Valentine’s Day. Rating: Home Run!

Our next card could be used as an example for hitting form. The bear looks like Ted “By Gosh” Williams after a line drive.

Teddy Ruxpin led the American Association in homers and doubles in 1982.

The “SMACK” in the heart for the sound effect is the proverbial cherry on top of the sundae. Rating: A .406 batting average!

This next card goes for a trifecta of baseball puns:

This card was designed for grade school kids.

A card that has to spell out its puns in RED CAPITAL LETTERS is trying too hard. Rating: Foul pop to the catcher.

Some baseballs can make great faces…Some…Not all…For example:

Some closers do the same thing to fans in the ninth inning.

If your heart is going “pitter batter” please consult your cardiologist because it’s not supposed to make that noise! Rating: Intentional Walk.

Also:

The inside of the card reads “…so we can get to first base.”

No. Really. It says that. What did I say about desperation? Rating: Inning ending double play.

This next one goes through the Baseball Valentine Checklist: Dog? Check. Hearts? Check. Catcher’s mitt? Check. Baseball themed pun? Check. Terrifying eyes? Check!

And they lived happily ever after.

Not “You’re the one”. Not “Soulmate”. Just, “A good catch”. Kids, that’s called settling. Rating: Single to center.

Consult above checklist.

How are these kids supposed to play ball with dogs running all over the field?

The card is funnier if you imagine “PLAY BALL!” being yelled out by Ron Luciano or Ken Kaiser. Rating: Bloop double to left.

Try to figure out if the player is wearing shorts like the 1976 Chicago White Sox or is wearing a skirt like the players in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League.